Pride, headcovering, and fear.

Please forgive the complete chaotic-ness of this post. It is a prayer that has been prayed many, many times throughout this summer, and I am in no means, a master of articulation. I will revist this post at a later time, and possibly clarify my feelings. But just as this post is filled with confused ramblings, so my soul also feels.
Why God? Why?!?

Why is that every time I see a headcovering, skirt-wearing gal, I feel this extreme desire to follow suit? Why is it that whenever I see a pretty girl wearing those cute bootie shorts, I want to join ranks with her? I want to be desired, Lord, by men. I'm not gonna lie--I really do!

God, God, God! is it possible to be well-liked and be modest at the same time? . How can I ignore this nagging desire. You know that I want to please you, but You also know of all my uncertainties.

Can a young, Catholic woman truly cover her head full-time? I know that I am subject to pride--Will I only grow in pride rather than humility.

I want to wear jeans, bootie shorts, and bikinis. I want to have my hair bleached, skin tanned, and nails manicured. Are they all wrong? The world teaches those things to be desirable to all. It is desirable to me!

God, I beg of You! Please just leave me alone in this area! It is too hard, too difficult, and I do not want to deal with it right now. I should be putting myself forwards, and gain new experiences. I can only do that if people want to be friends with me!

Earlier this year, I covered my head starting in August and ending in April. Did I gain anything from it? I do not know. I don't think I was mature enough to fully understand the gravity of what I was doing. I was always afraid of someone from my church finding out, or if my friends would ever discover that I was covering for religious purposes. My own Dad hated the scarf! Granted, I was not attractive in it, nor did I ever attempt to try to look pretty. Perhaps, this time around, I would have a different view on the whole issue.

But God, I just don't know! I. Do. Not. Want. To. Cover. My. Head. Period. God, if this truly is Your Command, then take it away! I feel as though that, if I were to cover, I would still be hounded with questions. Is this your Will? Why am I doing this? I look stupid!

I desire Your Will. Only Your Will. I submit myself to Your Will.